When Justice Calls America
Truth is guarded with a hedge of denial
We’re taught growing up, and it is formed into us, that America is “just.” That the police do their jobs. That the military acts with justice. That schools and churches teach truth. That citizens behave and protect one another. That the courts try only the important cases, and that the courts do the job so well that justice is done. (There is an entirely OTHER discussion about what it means when “courts administer justice.” But not here, not now.) That it’s safe to tell the truth, safe to love your neighbor, safe to do what ordinary folks do, things like jogging or shopping or driving or just satisfying the natural curiosity of “what’s happening over there?”
That feeling is so strong, and overrides so many of the things that we see and hear, that we can’t believe it isn’t this way for a lot of other people that we know of, but do not really know. Of course it’s safe and ordinary and normal to do the things that I do, because everybody can do them — your experience must be wrong, and your understanding completely mistaken. You weren’t stopped randomly for being Black — you legitimately had a broken taillight or didn’t use your signal or were hesitant at a stop. You weren’t targeted for harassment in a grocery because you’re Black. You were simply making suspicious moves that anyone would see as potential shoplifting. You weren’t weren’t denied a job that you thought you were qualified for just because you’re Black. They found someone more qualified, even though they have less experience and education, and they have their reasons for paying them more than you for doing the same job. You weren’t ignored by the waitstaff just because you’re Black. They were very busy and there was lots of confusion with all the people coming and going, so it was just a coincidence you were served slowly and your food was prepared poorly.
Listen.
I’ve done this.
To my friends. Who are Black.
And the entire time I was speaking and reacting I thought I was doing the good thing, the honest thing, the needful thing. I was correcting my Black friends for their misunderstanding about white motives and actions. “It’s entirely in your heads.”
Sure, I look back now and I’m ashamed of what I did and said. Really. Ashamed of what friendship meant from me, and what their friendship meant to me.
But then, I was convinced my views were right. Here I was, engaged in honest communication and we were just sharing our experiences and opinions, and my friend was just mistaken about what they heard and saw and felt. I was helping them grow by helping them understand their misunderstandings.
I’m typing these words with the realization of what I was doing. And I feel incredible shame and incredible sorrow for my actions and words, because I injured my friends. I didn’t trust their stories, didn’t trust their vulnerability, didn’t trust them.
Here’s what I’m learning from that — the sense of shame and guilt is overpowering. I want to hide from what I did. Explain it away as “well, I was only trying to help.” Deny what actually happened. Even as I remember that what I was doing was entirely wrong and selfish and, dare I say, white, even now I want to explain how being wrong and selfish and cruel wasn’t that bad at the time because I’m better now, you see, and I’m trustworthy, and I’ve changed, and…
…and I’m doing it again, but with a little more gloss and shine and spirituality. I’ve just elevated the discussion but I’m still doing the thing where I don’t honestly trust my friends, even now, because I still do the same thing by excusing my behavior as “ignorant” and “stupid.”
But. I. Was. Wrong. And. Hurtful. And. I’m. Willing. To. Just. Keep. Doing. It.
That is the core that keeps me from truth, and that is the core that keeps me believing that all is well.
The core is that I can’t be wrong, but only mistaken.
I can’t be destructive. Just misinformed.
I can’t be untrustworthy. I mean well.
Can’t be dishonorable. What do you expect, perfection?
Can’t be disincluded. You need people like me in your life.
Can’t be left behind. I’m on a journey, so you gotta expect mistakes.
The reality is that loving our neighbor as ourselves requires that we love ourselves, first, and that love requires us to speak the truth about ourselves. It requires us to look at our own actions, our own words, our own truths, and see them for what they really are. It requires us to look at all the systems that support us and nurture us and forgive us, and examine how they are entirely untrustworthy for our friends.
The courts will fail them. The criminal justice system will fail them. The media will fail them. The church will fail them. The political system will fail them. The education and economic systems will fail them. We, their “friends,” will fail them. Not because of the tendency of people to do stupid things and deny them — who hasn’t had to argue with customer service over a refund because you ordered a yellow widget and got a purple wadget? The failing will come because the systems that “naturally” support us just as “naturally” fail them. The system isn’t broken, as some have noted. It’s working exactly as designed. Justice for us. Indifference for them. Coddling and denial for us. Brutal justice and truth for them. Adaptive for us. Indifferent and inflexible for them.
We like to point out things that are “signs of hope.” The people who murdered Ahmaud in broad daylight and on film are arrested. The people who tried to dismiss the murder in their official capacity as agents of justice for the state are under investigation. The entire system of white ignorance and denial is exposed. We can come up with lots of these. And the core truth is that, yes, these things are happening.
But to our friends who experience the bleakness of justice and truth and the hard reality of living in a universe with all the humanity stripped away, every step is a false promise. There are an infinite number of places where an “out” can be obtained for these white men. Any one of them will be used as needed, and every one that is used will be explained as “justice.”
That understanding is what forms the core of their experience with “justice.” Every door is shut for them; every door is open for us. Every reason will be denied for them; every reason will be given to us. Every false step will be magnified for them; every mistake will be forgiven for us.
I can’t expect any of my friends to trust me and include me until I understand them, and how they experience my system. (Let’s be brutally frank and very uncharacteristically honest here: the system of justice in America is designed for the innocence of white people, especially rich, powerful white people. Period.)
For those of us who are committed to justice and restoration and healing — this is the core truth to understand before any other truth is understood. Justice has and will fail them. We have and will fail them. There isn’t a single promise that can be made that can be guaranteed.
Once we understand that, we’re ready to proceed.
